


Even

by jeongyeonasaur



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:34:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25126303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeongyeonasaur/pseuds/jeongyeonasaur
Summary: Sana has always been battling her inner demons. Dahyun has always been an angel on Earth. But Earth has this habit of taking God’s angels a little bit earlier than anyone else, right?
Relationships: Kim Dahyun/Minatozaki Sana
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Even

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicide Attempt, Depression, Major Character Death.
> 
> please read expecting my utmost effort in describing how it is to have depression. But also bear in mind that this is not generalising or romanticising mental illnesses. Professional help and good support system will always be the best way to help.
> 
> Thank you.

_Deep down_

_You just want to be loved_

_in a way that calms your soul_

_-r.h Sin_

~

Demons have always been around us. Ever since the world was created, demons have taken over humans for their weaknesses. Be it their emotions, greed for money, lust for pleasure, name it, they’ve owned it. Humans are frail and weak. They give in to temptations in a snap.

For those who resist, the demons never go away. They merely hide. They hide deep down where no one can notice. They only come out when the human is on the brink of losing his sanity. That’s how it’s always been and that’s how it will always be.

Demons can take up a lot of forms, sometimes they take form in people, sometimes animals, but the worst kind of demon is the one who takes the form of thoughts. Thoughts are as powerful as weapons, sometimes even more. One word can kill not only one person but the generation that will follow. Granted that the person survives the harsh and tormenting pain of words. The biggest enemy is not the demon humans see but the demon that the human accepts in his mind.

And for Sana? Her demons are always there, lurking.

_I’ve had it._

It was a rainy afternoon when work ended. Sana has been quiet all day. It’s not unusual for her to wake up with the shadows almost enveloping her whole being. She’s always been like that. There are days when she’d wake up feeling okay. But today? She work up feeling like the world is shit. Plus the fact that her boss has been nothing but a pain in the ass that nothing really came her way today. Everything was a mess. Everything is still a mess. Sana felt nothing but emptiness the whole day. It’s like a god darn weight is on her shoulders, wearing her down. She’s tired. She’s too tired. She can’t count with both hands how many times she went to the bathroom to suppress cries of pain spreading all over her body. She lost count how many times she wanted to jump from the window of their thirtieth-floor building. But overall, she’s just tired. Waking up earlier made her feel much more tired than she was the night when she slept. The rain didn’t help. The rain made her feel much worse, honestly. It made her envious. The rain can fall anytime and people would adjust. But Sana? She can’t. Falling means failure and her dad didn’t raise no failure. So even if the world crumbles, Sana will not. If the world fails, Sana will not. Failure is not an option. Being weak will never be an option.

_Although death is._

“Hey, Sana!” Dahyun called her from lobby. Dahyun’s one of her colleagues at work. For Sana, Dahyun is the complete opposite of her. Dahyun’s always happy. There have been times when Sana would look at Dahyun and just see hope

_Exactly. Dahyun has always been the epitome of hope._

Sana continued watching the sun’s fading color battle with the rain’s enveloping darkness. She relates to the sun’s situation. No matter how bright you start, there will be times when darkness will take over you no matter how much you resist it.

“Hey,” Dahyun stood beside her with a bright smile. “I was calling you,” she said. Sana looked at her with tired eyes.

“Why?” she asked the shorter girl. Dahyun beamed again. It almost caused Sana to be hopeful. _Almost_.

“Was gonna ask if you wanted to grab some drinks with me?” a blush escaped Dahyun’s. Sana noticed that but chose to ignore it. Although it’s obvious to the whole department that Dahyun has a crush on Sana, she wouldn’t go for it. For Sana, she’s too much of a mess for Dahyun to be worried about. She doesn’t deserve what Dahyun has to offer. Not with all her demons messing her up more and more each day.

“Why?” she asked again. Dahyun bit her lip and then smirked.

“It’s a rainy day. Nothing beats a tiring and rainy day but pork and soju, right?” Sana looked up to the defeated sun.

_I’ll do it today._

“Sure,” Sana reconsidered everything that had happened the whole day. The shadow on her shoulder feeling heavier than usual. Even with Dahyun around the idea of not being able to see her tomorrow made Sana’s heart kind of ache. The kind of ache she normally doesn’t have. The last time she felt that kind of ache was when she saw her mom hanging by a rope and lifeless. Sana wanted to cry but she couldn’t. Not when her dad continuously shouted how much of a disgrace she is in the family for being born not liking humans will the elongated genital. She had told her mother about that which result to her mother’s passing. Sana never cried after that happened. But now, the familiar ache she hasn’t felt for so long has returned. Scary because Dahyun always had that effect on her.

“Really?” Dahyun’s face beamed with happiness. Pure, innocent happiness.

“Why not? I’d rather eat with you than eat alone at my house,” the cold four cornered walls of her unit never sounded appealing for her. She would call it home but it’s not. For Sana, it’s a basic need to have a shelter keep her warm during cold days. But that doesn’t mean she’s home. Sana lost the idea of home way before she even came to Korea for college. Her father didn’t disown her, no, but he did however, threw her in different boarding schools and made it clear that after college, she has nothing to do with the Minatozaki clan anymore.

Therapies didn’t help Sana as well. She tried. God knows how many psychiatrist and psychologist tried to help her. Sana had accepted the fact that the problem was not with the professional people, it was with her. She couldn’t forgive herself for killing her mother so she continuously torments herself. She continuously allow her demons to control her conscience. The demons didn’t appear until she entered high school though. That was when she first suffered her nightmare where her demised mother chased her until she lost her breath. In short, Sana suffered sleep paralysis the first time.

Sana drove them to a quiet restaurant where they can eat and drink in peace. She’d want to experience being the receiving side of Dahyun’s smiles before she gives in to what the demons want. At the age of twenty six, she finally surrendered after years of battling the same demons that haunted her in her dreams and in real life.

With each shot that travelled down her neck, the shadow on her shoulders grew heavier. Dahyun continued to talk about work, knowing very well that Sana was not the type to talk unless needed. It’s a miracle enough that Sana agreed to eat with her so she wouldn’t push it.

“So then our manager told me to give up because I didn’t have a chance on my crush!” the younger girl said. By then, Sana had finished two bottle of soju.

“Why would she say you wouldn’t have a chance on me?” she asked directly after taking a shot.

Dahyun’s dumbfounded. Her mouth parted and she couldn’t look at Sana’s eyes. “W-what makes you think you’re my c-crush?”

Sana placed a piece of meat on Dahyun’s plate, “Am I not?”

_Just for tonight. Let me be happy. Even just for tonight._

“I mean, it’s not that…” Dahyun whispered. “I just thought it wasn’t obvious,” the blushed grew deeper and darker plus the fact that they were drinking made Dahyun’s skin extra red.

“I wasn’t sure actually,” Sana laughed wholeheartedly. Something she hasn’t done for a long time. “But now I am,” she winked at the girl across her and took another shot.

“Damn, why am I so gullible?” Dahyun took a huge bite of meat and looked away. Sana never imagined she can feel light even with the shadow hanging on her shoulders. Although she knows it’s temporary, she’d take it.

She rested her chin on her palm and stared at Dahyun, “What if you do?”

“What?” innocent and confused eyes looked at Sana.

“What if I tell you that among anyone in the office, you’re the only one I’d date?” she pushed a little more. The courage brought by alcohol never helped her in making decisions so why is she drinking now?

Dahyun looked at the floor, “You’re playing tricks on me.”

She’s right. Sana is playing. Sana knows deep inside her heart that even if Dahyun says yes, she’d just end up with a broken heart. Not with what will happen after this dinner.

“Playing or not,” Sana got up and placed enough money to cover for the both of them. “You’re cool, Dahyun-ah.”

Soaked by the rain, she got inside her car and drove her way home. Two bottles weren’t enough to get her drunk. But it was enough to give her the courage to do what she had been planning for the last ten years. To succumb to the darkness and finally be free from the pain that she has been carrying.

Sana stopped by the bridge where the river is underneath. With the rain continuously falling like a mad god had suddenly decided to punish earth, she can tell that it’s not safe for anyone to swim that river. She got out of her car, not caring if she gets wet since she’s already soaked from before. She stood by the edge of the railings and leaned to feel the harsh wind blowing her hair away. Thunder roared but that only made Sana’s decision firmer.

_For freedom._

She took a step to go over the railings but her phone vibrated inside her pocket. She’d ignore it but she wanted to save the phone before leaving so she took out her phone and looked at the reason why it vibrated.

**From: Dahyun – Office**

**Hi, Sana! I hope you know that you made me so happy today! Thank you so much. I’ll be cooking lunch for you tomorrow! Sleep tight! :)**

Sana’s heart stopped. Her thoughts stopped. Everything just stopped. She took a step back and sat on the ground.

_I made someone happy._

The ache returned but weirdly, it felt good. Sana never felt good since she can’t remember when. But she feels good. She feels super good that tears started running down her face. She sobbed happily and held the phone close to her chest, “She’s happy.”

~

Something changed. Something definitely changed after that night when Sana was about to jump from the bridge. She started smiling, she started waking up with a smile on her face. The shadow didn’t disappear but it felt bearable now. There were still days when she’d go to the bathroom to cry but it wasn’t as often as before. Most of all, she started hanging out with Dahyun. They eat breakfast together; they go to lunch together. And when work ends, Sana makes sure Dahyun gets home safely. Rumor started to spread like a wildfire. But Sana didn’t pay attention. She clung to that idea of making Dahyun happy because it gave her a sense of purpose in life.

_Making her happy. That’s why I should live._

Dahyun is confused but she doesn’t mind. She noticed the change in Sana’s attitude. She often smiles now. She’s more vocal of what she wants. Of course there were days when Sana would be quiet and just nod to her. She has grown used to it by now. Two weeks and counting, Sana became more comfortable with having a person beside her. And Dahyun’s just happy to be able to help Sana come out of her shell. If she had known that one dinner would create such a big difference, she would have asked Sana a long time ago. But timing is everything.

Although there is one thing that confuses Dahyun the most. That night, Sana looked so serious that it almost felt real. But she’s too scared to ask because honestly speaking, she knows that if she makes a mistake, there’s a possibility that she’d ruin whatever it is going in between them. Be it friendship or something more.

Cautiously, she continues to make sure Sana is comfortable.

“Dahyun-ah, want me to drop you home?” Sana asked her after work. It wasn’t raining. It was actually a peaceful afternoon. It was perfect for a walk.

She smiled, “Yes, but I’d love it more if we can walk. The afternoon breeze feels heavenly and I want to treasure it.”

Sana looked up the setting sun. Soon, darkness will envelop the world but that doesn’t matter. Not when Dahyun is with her. She turned her eyes on Dahyun, “Sure.”

Walking to Dahyun’s rented complex will be a long walk but it’s also worth it. During the past few days, Sana also noticed the drastic changes in her. She noticed that her demons are not as powerful as before. It’s like Dahyun chased them away that night. She looked at Dahyun’s side profile. Thoughts inside her mind like what, why, and how that happened ran free. She didn’t notice that she was staring already.

“Am I that pretty or do I have a dirt on my face?” Dahyun looked at her with a smile. A smile Sana loves so much.

_That’s right. I love it, I love it when she smiles._

She stopped her tracks and faced Dahyun, “Date me,” she blurted out.

Dahyun’s eyes grew wide, “What?!”

Both of their hearts are rapidly beating as they looked at each other’s eyes, “Date me, Kim Dahyun.” Sana felt it. Sana felt it that she’s ready. She’d fight the demons consuming her but she can’t do it alone. She won’t let Dahyun fight it for her but she’d like it if Dahyun would be with her as she fights them.

“You’re playing, right?” Dahyun shook her head, not believing because she’d rather have it as a joke than believe pranks and look stupid at the end.

Sana took a step closer before looking at the sky where the sun has set and the darkness was finally spreading, “I told you, you’re the only one I’d date.”

Dahyun met Sana’s serious eyes. She sees wild and unknown emotions in her eyes. Nothing mattered that moment. Dahyun felt Sana’s intense and uncontrolled emotions overflowing. “Okay.”

Sana smiled, “Really?” she leaned closer, their faces an inch apart. “I’m messed up, Kim Dahyun. I have demons inside waiting to consume me. But I will fight them.”

“What?”

“I’d fight them if that means I get to make you happy,” Sana leaned back and tucked Dahyun’s hair behind her ears. “I found purpose.”

They continued walking but this time, Sana’s fingers are interlocked with Dahyun’s. Upon reaching the younger girl’s residence, Sana turned around and stared walking to her house’s direction. “Sana!” Dahyun called. Sana stopped walking, “When you said you found purpose, what did you mean?”

Sana turned around with the brightest smile Dahyun had ever witnessed, “You. You’re my purpose, Dahyun.”

The beating of her heart tripled upon hearing those words. Dahyun went inside her house and felt her tears falling. She’s happy. She’s beyond happy. She feels like she’s on top of the world.

~

News about Sana and Dahyun dating circulated the office. Some congratulated them, some are sour. Sana couldn’t care less. Dahyun saw sides of the older girl she never imagined existed.

On their way back to the office after having lunch, Dahyun suddenly runs towards a girl that was being kidnapped, “Let her go!”

“Dahyun-ah!” Sana chased her.

Dahyun didn’t notice that the man was carrying a gun. So when the man pulled the trigger, she closed her eyes, expecting to get hit by the bullet.

“Dahyun-ah!” she heard Sana’s voice. Dahyun opened her eyes and saw Sana standing in front of her, smiling. “You okay?” the girl asked as blood dripped from her mouth.

It felt like the world suddenly turned black and white, “Sana!” Dahyun caught Sana’s body before it hit the ground. The bullet hit her on the back. She’s not sure if it pierced her heart but the blood won’t stop flowing. It scared Dahyun so much that she started crying, “Sana! Sana, don’t die, hmm?” She held Sana’s body tighter.

“D-Dahyun,” Sana spoke. She heard someone call an ambulance but it will take roughly five minutes before they come.

“Sana, shh, please,” she cried. “Why did you do that, idiot?! You’re not bulletproof!” her heart continued to break as she desperately tried to stop the bleeding with her own hand. “Someone please help us!” she cried.

Sana coughed more blood and smiled, “You’re not either, Dahyun-ah.”

“Shut up! I was the one he shot why did you do it?!” Dahyun cradled Sana’s head, praying to all Gods to save her.

Sana chuckled, “I-I saved your l-life… I guess” another cough escaped her lips. “I guess w-we’re even now,” with her remaining strength, Sana tried to reach for Dahyun’s face.

Dahyun leaned on Sana’s hand, feeling its warmth, “Please,” she whispered. Desperate and in pain, she opened her eyes to meet Sana’s. She saw Sana’s fulfilled smile slowly disappear into nothing. Just like that, Sana stopped breathing, her hand fell on her side.

Dahyun’s world stopped. Medics took Sana away but she felt nothing. All she felt was intense pain in her chest, yearning for Sana’s warmth.

_I guess we’re even._

Those words rang in her mind. It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense. Sana's dead. Sana's not in this world. How can that be?

Dahyun was always considered as an angel. But how come she couldn’t save that one person she loved the most?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, Sheen. hahaha nag request ka ng Saida. :( Sorry na.
> 
> Alright lovies, hope this satisfied your thirst for angst. I'm not sure when I will be writing again because I'm busy but I will when I can! :D
> 
> Twitter: @moonbyulasaur


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